Seasonal Changes
by Amai Ichigo
Summary: -ONESHOT-Just some Shizuru thoughts through a few seasons. Post-Carnival. Warning-Angsty.


My Natsuki, where have you gone? You have left me so far behind, placing an ocean of distance between us. Not that the ocean isn't uncrossable, but the barriers you have erected around your heart are so dense that I can barely see you through those iron bars. The rare moments before the Carnival in which you would open up to me have since become even more fleeting. Perhaps it is my fault, if only I could pull back that small space in time and hide my true feelings for you. Maybe you would still smile at me with warmth in your eyes, instead of that cold, hard reflection of who you were. How much you have changed my love, I wonder what it is that made you like this? Everything you say and do points in the direction of a happy, content woman and yet…I see a slight stress in the way you hold yourself, though you hide it well, and sometimes, when you think no ones looking, a hint of pain and yearning appears in your gaze. Kami-sama, how I wish I knew what hurt you!! But we both have busy lives, myself more than you, I think, and you do not want me close. I know how it makes you uncomfortable.

The seasons are changing again, Natsuki. Summer is ending, and the trees are becoming brilliant in outfits of yellow, orange and red. Those simple words do not do justice to the rich colours that surround me when I walk outside. I wish I could share this with you, show you this beauty. The tears are drying on my face once more and as the dead, vibrantly coloured bodies of leaves are crushed beneath my feet I feel hollow.  
I have been empty for a while now, a husk forcing itself to pretend to be a human. Without you here, a small miner has begun chipping away at my heart, although I will myself to keep going. I am losing myself more and more, with every word I say, every movement I make, I feel pieces of me fall away. I no longer know you, and thus what made up so much of me has gone. I am still Shizuru, but what lies beneath the name? If you would just trust in me, that would be enough for now. Please Natsuki, I _need_ you to trust me!!

To love like this, should it not be wonderful? To love this strongly, don't you think it would be reciprocated? To feel this deeply, could it at least be acknowledged instead of ignored? I know you apologised at the time, for not feeling the same, but since then…

What do I have to do, for you to still like me?

Out of everything, there is one I remember about myself. Fujino Shizuru does not beg. But I have broken that again and again in my thoughts, begging you to come see me. What would you do if I called you and begged?

Autumn is changing steadily to Winter, but I do not notice the cold, although my body feels it. Even Mikoto has picked up on it by now. That I'm not exactly what one would call 'healthy'. Mai insisted I live with her as she thought I wasn't taking care of myself. I'm not as thin as I was, so I suppose its some sort of improvement. Every now and then though, she'll let me go out. Sometimes I don't come back for days, although I still go in to work. No one dares question me there. After all, I am the formidable head of the Fujino Corporation. I know that Mai calls there when I don't come back; just to make sure I'm all right. I spend those nights looking, you know. Searching for you, even though I know you're not there. If I remember correctly, you made a vow to never come here again, although you weren't serious at the time. I wonder if you've done something like that again. It's been so long since I heard your voice, Natsuki. You haven't called for what feels like months. Maybe it _has_ been months, I lost track a while ago.

I visited you a couple of times, do you remember? But when I was there, watching you with your new friends, leaving me behind in your dust without even a 'good-bye', I decided I wouldn't come again. It hurt to see you. I don't know what hurts now; my world is in a constant state of pain. It has become impossible to identify what aches most. You smiled with them, your friends, and although your heart remained guarded there were no rifles at the ready, there was no prepared excuse to leave already halfway on your lips. You were more open with them. Mai told me you have a boyfriend now. I wonder if he notices how your emerald eyes light up when you're happy. Does he notice that when you're really, truly, thinking hard about something you pout, and your heart-rate slows down? Has he been close enough to find out yet? You only let me that close once. Its one of my most treasured memories. I miss you Natsuki, and although I could never say it to your face without the pretence of teasing between us, in my heart I still think of you as mine. For me you are the only one who ever could be. The snow lies thick on the ground, and I think of the words that I long to say to you as I wander down another lonely street.

Aishiteru, Natsuki.

Water drips thinly down my window pane. The day is drizzly and gray, not what one usually thinks of when thinking of Spring. More than a year has passed now, and time has faintly blurred your image in my memory, though the photograph on my bedside table greets me each morning with your smirk, glossed over with glass. I feel no more than a figurehead when I go to work now, no matter how admirable a job Haruka does covering for me, followed around by her adorable Yukino. Mai still takes care of me, but she's having a little trouble herself now, as Mikoto tries to voice her true feelings, hoping to remove the darkened glasses Mai wears to view Mikoto as a child. It was a necessary endeavour when Mikoto was 12, but she's in college now and those glasses seem to be glued to Mai's face out of fear. She seems to fear the younger girl's rejection as much as I once feared yours, but she'll listen eventually. Mai managed to tell me that you've come back, happy with your overseas work experience. I'm sure it's improved your English at least. Why haven't you come to see me? Surely even a token visit wouldn't be too much trouble. Do my feelings really give you enough cause to warrant this neglect?

Natsuki, it hurts. This longing is painful and incessant. I thought I had gotten used to it, but the news Mai gave me brought it back in pounding waves, washing over me again and again. Do I mean so little for you to not tell me youself? I've been behaving myself more lately, I don't go out as much at night and I don't stay away as long anymore.

I used to dream of making a home with you. It would be pretty, and neat. In a traditional Japanese house, with a nice garden, like the one that we stayed in after I saved you from Nao. But after what happened there I suppose you wouldn't want to live with me.

Even just a call from you would make me happy. I know Mai has your number, but I dare not ask for it. What if I should call, what then? Would you not want to talk to me? After I told you who I was, would I hear an echoing silence followed by that deafening, hollow noise of the dial-tone? I find myself half-paralysed, my actions stilted. Mai has left her cell-phone in my room, on purpose I suppose. So she knows of my inhibitions, hm? For a moment I'm surprised I didn't hear her enter nor leave, but my hand is creeping towards it, beyond my control, sneaking across the bedcovers. Trembling breaths escape me, light and fluttery, a stark contrast to the sharp staccato of my heavily pounding heart. Unsteady hands clasp her phone close while I find your number and push 'call'; then begins that seemingly endless ringing as one waits for a response.

"This is Natsuki, leave a message …"

I want to throw the phone away from me; the tears that had been welling in my eyes begin to spill over, stinging down my cheeks. I grit my teeth, restraining the wail that threatens to come forth, and cling tighter, listening to the words that continue to come from Mai's phone. Ara Natsuki, I never thought I would be glad for you to have an unnecessarily long answering machine. Unable to contain them, a few choked sobs force their way out. I feel so weak, whimpering here.

"Na-tsu…"

"Don't hang up."

"ki?" My eyes widen, hope battering a riot in my chest.

"Shizuru," You voice, so soft and melodious, no longer rigid and cold. God, how I've missed that voice, I haven't heard it like this since high school.

"Natsuki." Hushed and reverent; cradling the phone next to my ear. A moment of silence passes, "I've missed you." The words merely a sigh on my breath and my heart can breathe again.

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So, what did you think? I thought about adding more, but it seemed to spoil it. Constructive criticism is appreciated, so please Read and Review, even if only to say you liked it!  
Amai~


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